S1S4: Sparring with your Voice(S)

February lands with synchronicities. Blessed with dinner conversations and doubling down on grounding practices, this week’s contribution became clear yesterday.

What does it mean to spar with different versions of yourself?

The Context

As a first generation, Latina, daughter of immigrants, single mother of a son, college-educated, big girl, throughout my life, different versions of myself have come through. What do I mean by that?

• Invisible Middle Schooler

  Before my college access program, I felt invisible - and was silently angry about it. I felt painfully insecure - and carried a lot of shame.

  God forbid I had any feelings, crushes, or desires. Education #1!

• College Student Embolded at Injustice

  My college mindset begins at 16 going from LA to the Bay focused on getting a BA. Because of this 2 year head start, I’m a hippie, vocal and stern.

  But, I’m first gen. Being explored to wealth and decision making mindsets, I start to get confused on how to navigate the world of work: Is it money? Is it service? Near family?

• Single Momma wadding through Latino Culture

  From social critique to unspoken pressures of self sacrifice, to navigate work, I subconsciously decide to not focus on my needs. Baby #1!

  I enter a dark place of resentment and pain seeking my career dreams slip away, while also desperately trying answer, “Who am I?”

• Business Momma

  To regain my performance and perfectionist behaviors, I make BIG sacrifices with my personal and community life to accelerate my career. Moving up the ladder, but back in my sleeping chambers, I’m miserable.

  I start to interrogate my relationship with money as a parallel process with my sense of self. What is money for and is this the best way to make it?

• Self-aware Healer with a Message

  I've written a lot throughout my life. For myself and for my memories. But they were hidden until I accepted they are me, and I am them. And I must love myself to be happy.

  Because of this reflective and self awareness practice, the more I focus more on self healing and health, the more I realize that I want to help others do that too.

  Trust the universe by being in energetic communion with it.

I lay out the above, very summarized, to illustrate a point. Each of those versions of me has:

• Very specific values

• Sees the world from a very specific lens

• Connects with people in a very specific way, and

• Spends money to have very specific things

The key world is SPECIFIC.

…because the 5 of them do clash. And when I’m in my head duking it out with myself as I make decisions, change my behaviors, re-edit my attitudes, explore new interests, etc., it can be very difficult to know which version is challenging the other version of myself. What I do know to be true is the fact that they are all me and as I age and grow, I evolve into the next version that paradoxically heals a part of my past version.

From a methodology and how perspective, when I have inner turmoil, I knows its a past version with either my current one or the one trying to come in. This happens because the ultimate version I’m becoming (especially as I age), is not strong, stable, and subconscious yet. The goal of evolution is to become the most ideal version of you. Once you get there, the work is not done. It pivots from self-focus to the focus of others (more on this in a future season of this blog).

Depending on the situation, I don’t know which version of my past is sparring with the version I am today or am trying to become.

Why is this a big deal?

When we talk about personal/professional goals, or, when we start examining the barriers we think are not allowing us to change, it is because you are likely talking to yourself through multiple perspectives.

The part of you that wants to earn more money (Business Momma) is raging with the part of you that wants more self love and joy (Self-Aware Healer with a Message.") And coming to clarity is hard because you must deeply and intimately understand both. That takes hella time.

To give more examples:

• The part of you that wants to tend to your inner child to have fun may be sparring with the part of you that has daily habits and behaviors that do not allow play and exploration as part of it. Or you judge the “childish.”

• The part of you that wants a relationship — romantic, friendship, or even acquaintances — is wrestling with the part of you that is insecure, combative, invulnerable, or judgmental.

• The part of you that wants more financial security is being stared at with a bombastic side eye that the part of you that realizes how capitalistic economic systems has harmed the communities you most identify with - and want to protect.

So what do you DO with that?

First, I want to say: recognize it. You are at odds with you. The goal is to come to a helpful, future-oriented conclusion where you know who you are and can start the adventure of serving others. To create your most ideal life, your process should bring you to:

1. Closure, which leads to liberation

2. Empowerment, which leads to decision making

3. Your Authentic Voice, which leads to connection

Accept and Learn the Lifelong Skill of Becoming and Changing

Know that everything you come across has the potential to help you grow into the next version of yourself. It doesn’t matter to me if you think about it as a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, a snake shedding its skin, or a tadpole that becomes a frog. If you are committed to changing…if you are tired of living this version of yourself…if you have radically accepted that growth is inevitable…then, here are the tools I want to offer up:

• Journal - start writing to yourself FOR yourself. I like writing as one version of myself to the other to get an understanding of what I am confused about and what I really care bout. It is such a wonderfully comical yet illuminating exercise.

• Talk to a therapist or a person/medium that can give you therapy-type outcomes. Disclaimer: not all your friends can or want to serve as your therapist. But, the outcomes of therapy such as being seen, feeling validated, being asked clarifying questions, can come from strangers, co-workers, family, and even T.V. shows. The key piece is intentionality and a real open mind. If you don’t have a growth goal, please be extra mindful on how you engage with people and respect if they put a boundary towards you. I promised you we can suss out that when change is NOT a real consideration. That is ok. When you are ready, know people will be ready to help you.

• Explore - Put resources to explore your interests. Say yes. Schedule it. Break our routine. Trust that you mind, body, and soul want to get away from screens, sofas, and social drama. You will know when you are ready (the version of you trying to be birthed will demand this from you). Do know that barriers are internal. For example, those financially strapped, there are many free things you can do. For those who work a lot, it can be meditation. Overall, not everything you try will appeal to you but start the very uncomfortable practice of trying new things and continuously check on your judgements and feelings to get clear on what matters. Bonus points if you have the discipline to go for immersion, meaning you can stick out a 4-week class. Or return to the same place a few times. This “bonus” practice has sped up my learning.

• Be creative in your dress - You will be amazed of how playing costume can really expedite your transformation. Try different styles. For example, I’ve journaled on the different versions of myself. Doing this, I’ve described what they do, where they live, what they wear, are all different. But they are all cute: my rockera version, my white-collar professional version, my Latina grandma version, my hippie version, my Caribbean queen version, my gym version, etc. Dress will make you feel important energies. These energies are feelings and emotions. They are the fuel to transformation. I consider this practice a “life hack.”

They say life is an adventure. And it is. There are multiple versions of you. And each has a voice. Unfortunately, they do like to bicker. And you must play loving and compassionate referee. You cannot self-hate your way into transformation. You cannot connect well with others if you don’t know what its like to feel and give self-compassion.

When you do the work, the voice that you hold today - the present - typically is aligned to the most peaceful version of yourself. Emphasis on “when you do the work.” Please focus on this type of self-awareness “training” or “drills” as much as you invest in learning the latest leadership, management, communication and financial tools. Without the former, the latter can cause…challenges. More on this later.

Note to self: write about the correlation between leadership and business acumen as it relates to voice and self-love

- CC